I'm proud of you...

This afternoon was rough with the twins. Lots of yelling. I did what I usually do.... throw them in the car seats and drive around for an hour so they nap. Ah, peaceful. But that's only for an hour, and daddy's not due home until 7. Ok, let's make sure everyone is full, have some play time, then take if from there. Shew! Things did improve and in my quest to turn the day back into positive, I held each baby on my lap (one at a time) and told him/her 4 or 5 things I was proud of them for during the day. "Jude, I'm really proud of you for taking a good nap this morning, for playing in the bumbo so well, and for smiling at Habelito." "Petra, I'm really proud of you for smiling at Jordana, for doing so good with diaper changes, and just being really sweet!" And so on..... This is great! This new nightly ritual will help instill confidence and self esteem in them as they hear about their accomplishments for that day. It will also help once discipline starts and they have to have punishment as part of the day (hopefully a small part!)

Where did I park?

We are all squeezed and tested in this life. This morning I dashed down to Boston to give some support to my friend/prayer partner who has a daughter fighting a serious illness in the hospital. I did so bravely, choosing to ignore the voice that reminded me that panic attacks usually set in while driving in downtown Boston! I don't even have to be the driver- just the passenger and it makes me sick! So confusing to navigate that city! Sure enough, I missed the exit and ended up downtown near Faniual Hall. I quickly pulled into a parking garage since the panic was arising and decided to just park the truck and take a cab to the hospital. My cabby had a thick accent and after calming down and choosing to have a better attitude and be strong for my friend, I asked "how are you today?" The cabby just grunted something I couldn't understand so I just rode quietly to the hospital. I wasn't there long, and after calling Christofer 8 times with NO answer he finally answered and I explained my predicament. I was looking for some sympathy but got the typical problem solving response and he tried to reassure me that I would be able to find my way back to the highway once I left the garage. So I hopped back in another cab and asked for "the parking garage near Fanuial Hall." Which one? ~ the cabby wanted to know........ uh oh- there's more than one?? I said the "brick one."
So I walked around that lot for close to an hour looking for the truck. Then I tried the garage across the street for another hour! Then a security guard drove me around on a golf cart looking for the truck! Nothing! Then I tried to explain the route I took and how I ended up in the garage and an employee said "there's another garage 2 blocks away- try that." An employee with the thickest accent yet of the day walked with me to the other garage. He explained that he was from Ethiopia, but pronounced it "utopia." I gave him 5 dollars for helping me and told him I'm glad he is in America. I found my truck in the 3rd garage I tried. Driving out of the city actually wasn't that bad~ there was good signage back to the highway. But then halfway home I suddenly felt very sick to my stomach, like diareah! I almost pulled over on the highway and ran into the woods! Thank GOD I made it to an exit/gas station. Oh my, I'm thankful I live in America where you can find a bathroom. If it was India, well, who knows.......
Anyway, I thank Chris for dropping everything and watching the babies to allow me to be there for my friend. I thank all the souls that got me around the city. I'm thankful for the answered prayer we have seen in my friend's daughter already and that she will continue to heal. I was squeezed in a stressful situation. Chris was squeezed with screaming babies. Now they are asleep and all peaceful. Time to pray for Bre again............

Helmet Time

Well, we all went to see Dr. Arin Green today in Peabody, MA about Jude and Petra's head situation. Keep in mind that the pediatrician's office staff said their case was mild and the place "probably wouldn't recommend a helmet." Maybe that's because they don't want all their babies coming in with helmets on?! Dr. Green who sees hundreds of babies with flat heads every year observed Jude and Petra and said their situation is on the high end of moderate~ on a scale of mild, moderate, and severe. And while he left the decision up to us, he said "if they were my kids I'd helmet them." And we definately are! I wouldn't want to live with a flat head!!! Fortunately, they will probably only wear them for 3 months. Oh! and they won't have to trim or touch Jude's hair!! Yeah! (not that you'll be able to see much of it for a while) ha ha Dr. Green also states up to 1 in 6 children have this situation!

After we got home I made another decision I've been wrestling with for a few weeks: Keep my hair long or go short? Yes, I know, very profound. One day I would say, "yes, time for that bob," and the next, "no, gonna stay long, maybe do more layers." After consulting with my awesome hairstylist (Tina at Blush), I decided short. I returned to a haircut I wore in my 20's off and on and I'm glad I did. It's a classic bob cut. I guess you'll just have to see it........... :)

Golden Spoon Day

Today was so much fun with the twins! We have been pushing Petra to spend longer and longer periods of time on her belly to gain strength and develop those tummy-time skills. She did such a good job today~ she usually complains after a minute or two, but had at least two 5-6 minute sessions today. The two of them spent a lot time in their bumbo chairs playing with toys and that is so much fun to watch! Also, I have been so excited to try spoon- feeding them. Not quite sure if they are ready, but I tried to put some runny cereal in Jude's mouth and let me tell you~ pure entertainment! You should have seen his face! He wouldn't really open his mouth much at all, and squinted and scrunched up his face. Not too interested today, but he will be soon. They will be five months old next week!

I often think about how far I have come since the birth. I was truly tore up. After loosing so much blood, I was soo weak and that was extremely frustrating. So many days I felt like "I can't function without Vanda." She was doing EVERYTHING. She cooked all our meals and cleaned the house on top of loving the twins and meeting their every need with me all day long. It was hard for me to need someone else so badly to help me care for my babies~ I wanted to do it all, like any mother would. But their lives were SO enriched by having Vovo here for so long. My life too. Now I feel so much better physically. The pain lingered for several weeks, as did the fatigue. But now they sleep through the night except for one feed and that makes me less of a zombie.

Fretting Challenge

I'm having to hold very tightly to the verse that says "fret not, it only leads to evildoing," this evening. I am fighting anxious feelings about my precious baby's heads! At about 2 months of age we noticed that their heads were a little flat on one side. I asked my friends about it and some reassured me that as they developed and could sit, etc. it would even out. Others explained about a "helmet" device that would correct the problem! That possibility really shot my blood pressure up! Just picturing them in a helmet-thing really freaked me out. (I've since seen pictures of helmets and they're not that bad). At the 4 month check up I asked about the head situation and the nurse practitioner felt their case was pretty mild and doubted that a specialist would recommend the helmet treatment. Ever since I noticed the problem I have put a lot of effort into making sure they are not laying down a lot while awake. Also, Jude now sleeps on his stomach, as he is strong enough to roll over on his own. Petra usually sleeps on her side, but ends up on her back sometimes too. Jude has come SO FAR in his playtime and now loves to be on his belly and reaches for toys and plays with them. Petra fights tummy time but I make her do it several times a day. I don't want them to have to live with flat heads and have been so upset that we were not warned. We were told to do tummy time but I thought it was for developmental purposes, not to avoid head flattening! AAAHHHGGG!
We have an appointment next week with a specialist to inquire about the helmet. In the meantime, lots of playing on tummy!

It will improve; Petra will greatly enjoy her tummy time, and I will not feel guilty about "maybe I didn't hold them enough." With twins, there is a lot of "waiting" for mommy. It's stressful to not be able to hold them as much as you want because you are tending to the other one! Actually, the first three months of their lives the Vandanitor was here and they were held constantly by her and me. But definitely always on their backs for sleep- we didn't know any better.

"fret not..........." Give more, do more.

Concert and No Failure

Took my mommy' s helper, Jordana, to see Brad Paisley last night in Mansfield, Mass. It was so fun for me to surprise her with this special gift for her 16th birthday. She helps me with the twins 3 or 4 days a week- holding them, helping them play, diaper changes, etc- so she is very special to us. Jordana LOVES country music so I gave her the Brad Paisley ticket in a birthday card last Monday and she screamed "is this for real!" and we both looked forward to it all week. The concert was a hundred miles away so we got to know each other better on the trip. I was telling Jordana with tearful eyes that I feel like a failure because I haven't been able to breastfeed the twins as much as I had been, and my supply is really getting low. I didn't realize how emotional it would be for me to face "weaning." I admit that I have complained about breastfeeding off and on and have been tempted to quit prematurely. I had written in my goals for 2009 that I would breastfeed them for 6 months or even possibly a year. They are almost 5 months old. They just won't nurse during the day sometimes and it's very challenging to pump if I don't have a helper. I will continue to feed them as I have, and at least keep my supply where it is...

Then Chris told me that he feels like a failure for not securing a new job yet. He had so many people interested in him after the job fair in April but the results have been tepid. I don't see him as a failure at all~he is spending so many hours studying for a new certification and is also job searching online and working the phones. He's been extremely dedicated to the process and I encouraged him to get those thoughts out of his mind! We can't see ourselves as victims in any way.

I am finding comfort in 1 Corinthians 13. Love never fails. There is no failure in love. Those words carry me and they are my firm foundation. The words are my security and solace. I have a place to turn to when thoughts of "you're failing" come to my mind. I will not fail to breastfeed my babies and Christofer will not fail his job search.

A brush with desert destiny?

Had an interesting talk with my mommy's helper today. I was telling her that Christofer received an email about a job in Iraq. (many of you know he is job searching so we can move to Maryland). He showed me the email and I barely read it and immediately dismissed it - "of course you're not working in Iraq!" As I was explaining this to Jordana, I suddenly felt very excited about the possibility of being in Iraq. Humm, maybe..... wow, what if God could really use us in a radical way there? Just think, to be on the cutting edge of a society so newly formed and with brand new religious freedoms (I'm not exactly what forms of worship Saddam allowed). But to possibly be involved in a tender, budding ministry there- I could see it. I had met a pastor from Iraq in 2005 in Dayton Ohio. He was speaking in a church in Beavercreek about his church in Iraq and the danger he faced daily (to his person and property). He was emphatic that he and many others wanted the Americans there to help rebuild and do whatever they were doing. But what really impressed me was his fearlessness and rock-steady vision for his people. He was not fazed by the on going violence and only had dreams for his ministry to flourish.........

I texted Chris that maybe the job in Iraq was for us, afterall! Jordana and I talked and as we did the idea seemed more and more appealing. I told her "I don't want to sit around and be a fat lazy rich American with everything given to me on a silver platter, it's time to do something wild for God!"

Chris did get my text but was shaken because he assumed I meant that he would leave us to work in Iraq and was sad that I would be ok with that! I quickly responded that no, I meant all of us would go and explained my vision. Chris says there are no jobs in Iraq where you can take your family and that military escort is still needed to leave a military base. I feel for the military spouses who have to endure the wait while their partner is on tour..............

Who knows where we are headed........... I just want to use what God has given us.

A return to writing

I have been inspired by a friend and fellow mom of twins to start blogging! There will be many entries about my 4 month old twins Jude and Petra! I also hope to write about what God is doing in my life. I used to journal a fair amount, as well as write down my dreams (while sleeping). I greatly enjoyed reviewing these writings to see patterns, areas of growth, and solutions to life's problems. I guess I view blogging as a form of public journaling. This is so cool! I hope to connect with my dear friends and make new friends- especially mom's of twins!

Took the twins to their four month check up today. Jude, of course was practically off the charts on all percentiles of height and weight! He looks like a 7 or 8 month old! Then I stopped by my hairdresser's for an emergency eyebrow fix and decided to have Jude's hair cut! Keep in mind that I have cut his hair already 4 times! He was donned with a miniature cape to protect his clothes and held in my lap as clippers were used on him. He wailed a fair amount, and stressed out the lady (Jenny), but the result is really cute! Now he really looks like a Chris-clone. While waiting on me and her brother, Petra was held by Melissa and giggled repeatedly. I was proud!